Ranking the Roman Emperors continues, numbers 21 to 40.
Septimus Severus to Claudius Gothicus... incorporating the Crisis of the Third Century
Septimus Severus to Claudius Gothicus... incorporating the Crisis of the Third Century
21) Septimus Severus – The One Who Turned
Rome into a Military Dictatorship.
A hard arse who helped turn the Empire into
a military dictatorship. Great advice to his sons, impressive wife. All his
male relatives were spectacularly bad leaders. Did a pretty good job as Emperor
but a lot of bad stuff followed.
Ability **** Legend ***
(He faced two other rivals – The Albino One
and The One Who Should Have Been Emperor But Who Moved Too Slow. I reckon these feel
like they are artificially counted as emperors merely to call the year of their
deaths The Year of Five Emperors).
22) Caracalla – The One Killed Urinating.
Good
second tier tyrant. Not up in the A league like Caligula but he did
murder
his brother, kill thousands of innocent people (including a fair whack
of the
population of Alexandria for writing a play about him), build some large
baths
and was murdered while taking a piss. Lacks a little colour because he
never seemed interested in the more relatable things like sex,
gladiators or becoming a God, he just wanted power. Came across as
having a very small penis.
Ability * Legend ****
23) Geta – the One Killed by His Own
Brother.
A vile horrible little snot who seems better because he was killed
young by his elder brother. Never got much of a chance to be a real tyrant, but
I’m sure he would have.
Ability ** Legend ***
24) Macrinus – the first Equestrian One.
Interrum emperor in the time of the Severan dynasty. Probably would have done
an okay job but was too chicken to fight and was weak in not killing Severus’
heirs.
Ability **1/2 Legend **1/2
25) Elagablus – the Transgender One.
A
brilliant bad emperor with his cross dressing, multiple wives, charioteer
husband, sun god, fancy eastern ways, desire to lose his penis. Maybe his
bloodthirsty nature has been hyped but really what did he do.
Ability * Legend
*****
26) Severus Alexander – the One Good Teen
Emperor.
If Nero was a bad teen, Alexander was a good one… apart from his
inability to fight. Also couldn’t untie his apron springs. A good peace time
emperor who used a cabinet of smart advisers but a bad war time one – if he’d
had less trouble on the frontiers he might have been okay. DIdn’t deserve to be
killed, he just needed to have a hard arse on his side.
Ability *** Legend ***
27) Maximinus Thrace – the Tall Barbarian One.
Eight foot tall, a brilliant fighter, but a supporting act promoted way beyond
his abilities and helped cause the crisis of the third century. Met an end rich
in irony, killed by his own men who once admired him so after a plucky town resisted him via siege.
Ability ** Legend ****
28) Gordian I– the One Best Known for
Throwing a Big Party.
I have sympathy for Gordian I who just wanted to be left
alone to read but ws forced to rise in revolt, something for which he was
hopelessly unprepared.
Ability ** Legend ***
29) Gordian II – the One Who was son of
Gordian.
Nothing really memorable about this guy. Really you should package
both gordians together. (And you get the feeling they're artificially included to make the Year of Six Emperors.)
Ability ** Legend **
30) Pupienus & Balbinus – the Ones
Whose Merger Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time.
One was a lawyer the other
was a soldier, and they were both elected by the Senate. But they lacked the
ability to get along and deal with the praetorian guard, which resulted in
their deaths. Had they been able to collaborate and a bit more nous, the 3rd
Century Crisis might not have happened. No real personality that sticks out.
Ability ** Legend *
32) Gordian III – the One Who Got the Job
when he was 13.
Another one who got away – not really Gordian, but rather his
step father Timitheus, who was a great soldier and ruler. But he died, and Gordian wound
up dead. If step father had lived he might have made a go of it. Another decent
enough teen emperor.
Ability *** Legend ***
33) Philip the Arab – the One who was an
Arab.
The second praetorian prefect who stabbed his boss and took over. Mainly
known for throwing a big party showing how awesome Rome wasright before Rome
went in the toilet and possibly being Christian. The more I know about Philip
the less I like him – a useless turd who wasn’t a tyrant, just ambitious and
stuffed things up.
Ability *1/2 Legend **
34) Trajan Decius – The First One to Die in
Battle.
Forced to accept the purple (supposedly) he actually tried to do a good
job and might have but he wasn’t a crash hot general and died in battle
with his son.
Ability ***1/2 Legend ***
35) Hostilian – the One who was descended
from Decius and no one knows anything about.
Ruled with Trebonianus.
Ability **
Legend **
36) Trebonianus Gallus – the One who might
have stopped the rot.
Forced to take over in the wake of Decius’ death he
didn’t seem to do too badly but was fatally reluctant to take on the Sassanids
and was pointlessly killed.
Ability *** Legend **
37) Aemillian – the One Who Tried to give
Power back to the Senate.
So he says. Stupidly killed Trebonianus though before
being killed in turn.
Ability * Legend **
38) Valerian – the One Killed in Captivity.
Not as bad an emperor as his fate would have it, but what an embarrassing fate…
Captured, used as a footstool then flayed and stuffed and kept as a trophy.
Ability ** Legend ***1/2
39) Gallienus – The One Who Saw The Empire
Split Into Three.
Managed to hand on for 15 years despite losing Gaul and
Palmyra. Maybe not as bad as his rep (the poor guy had nothing but troubles and
did his best), but I mean look at the scoreboard.
Ability ** Legend **
40) Claudius Gothicus – the One Who Started
the Comeback.
An excellent general whose vigorous leadership showed up Gallienus’
mediocrity. Died not long into the job (of plague, a nice non-assassination
change) but still has a pretty good record.
No comments:
Post a Comment