Movie review - "Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die" (1966) **1/2

 Silly Eurospy spoof from Dino de Laurentiis which gives you everything you need from a Bond spoof - mad villain (Raf Vallone) with outlandish plan, hero agent (Mike Connors), female lead (Dorothy Prvine), exotic locations (Brazil).

Connors is a little dull as a hero but he's offset by Provine and Terry Thomas in an outrageous rip off of Lady Penelope and Parker from Thunderbirds - they're a lot of fun.

Critical reception was hostile, in part I think because so many films like this were then being made. But the time of this genre has passed so we can appreciate that Provine never got another role this fun, and Connors didn't get another chance to run around Brazil, nor did Terry Thomas to play a skilled secret agent. 

Movie review - "Amazons" (1986) *1/2

 I liked all the fighting women, the cast are athletic and attractive, it's set mostly at night which works for an atmosphere, there's always something happening.

The story is confusing. It didn't have to be confusing. There's a lot of running around and I struggled to tell the characters apart. There was the bald man with beard (JosephWhipp) and the old queen but all the warriors blended in. The film was crying out for some solid C list star to anchor it. Was Katt Shea too busy? Too expensive?

There's also magic and shape shifting. The nudity livens things up. But it's frustrating to watch because it's so needlessly confusing.

Movie review - "Wizards of the Lost Kingdom" (1985) **

 Enjoyably daft. Starts off like a trailer for other Corman sword and socrcery films using footage from them. Then settles down to an old fashioned "wizened warrior escorts royal boy across the plains" film.

The weirdness is endearing - there's someone in a bear suit and a little person wizard.

The presence of the kid means there's less breasts, torture and rape. Bo Svenson, a familiar Hollywood face, is the hoe. Thom Christopher from late period Buck Rogers is outstanding as the villain.

This was actually sweet int it's way once the story got up and going.

Movie review - "Cocaine Wars" (1985) **

 Roger Corman south of the border in Argentina - which gives this film decent production values. It feels like it's in South America because it, well, is - polo matches, old colonial towns, winding roads, jungles.

It's a silly undercover DEA agent working for drug dealers story - silly because the undercover agent struts around drawing attention to himself. But that is part of the film's charm - John Schneider from Dukes of Hazzard running around with a moustache and longish hair, constantly smoking, acting like the toughest guy on the bloke. It's so sweet - he's having such fun.

There's familiar characters - feisty reporter, drug tycoon, corrupt general - plus some wilder ones, like two exiled Germans I think.

There's some action, a Commando style finale, an awkward sex scene, odd car chases. It's very rough but has pace. Royal Dano is in it as a drunk.

Movie review - "Captain from Castille" (1947) ***1/2 (warning: spoilers)

20th Century Fox went on the make so many uninspired historical epics that either starred Tyrone Power or wanted to star him, that it was a jolt to rewatch this - the first of the cycle (he'd made some before he went to war eg Lloyds of London but this one kicked off the post-war-in-colour cycle) - and see how good it is.

Not a masterpiece, but very good drama, despite the inevitably dodginess of movie about Cortes' expedition to South America - and knowing all the genocide and destruction that the Indians would suffer.

The first part is extremely strong with Power as a nobleman whose family is tormented by the Spanish Inquisition led by John Sutton - an actor I loathe in heroic parts but who makes a great villain. Power decides to hotfoot it to the New World, along with recovering boozer Lee J Cobb (a lot better than I thought he'd be) and peasant Jean Peters. They make a decent trio - Cobb has a character to play as well as wacky sidekick (someone haunted by a troublesome past who can't handle alcohol) and Peters is excellent in her debut. Yes, she plays an adoring peasant who just wants Power, but you go with it because of the class difference and Power is very handsome. It's also cool how Power is in love with a high class lady so Peters is always insecure.

Cesar Romero has one of his best chances as Cortez, a rogue who is a bit handsy with Peters. He's no saint that's for sure, quite ruthless, and it's not hard to imagine him devastating South America.

The ending has Sutton come back and though we miss a big confrontation with him and Power there's a great melodramatic moment where Peters stabs Power so he won't go to prison. Really that should have been the ending - it has such symmetry. But I guess they don't deserve to die.

Movie review - "Way of the Gaucho" (1952) **1/2

You have Westerns, and Westerns set in the north called Northerns, and Westerns set in the Middle East called Easters... I'm not sure what a Western set in South America should be called? Southerns? But I always figured that was a Western set in the Southern states (that weren't Texas).

This was one of a series of movies 20th Century Fox made overseas after the war to use frozen funds - Captain from Castile, The Black Rose, Kangaroo. They usually starred Tyrone Power or were clearly meant to star Tyrone Power - he isn't in this one, instead they use Rory Calhoun has a substitute, and Calhoun isn't bad. At least he looks interested in women and can handle the action stuff well enough.

There's some really fantastic views of Argentina - the deserts, snow capped mountains, plains, gauchos. It looks fantastic.

The story is dull. Calhoun is a gaucho who kills a man in a duel, then goes into the army as opposed to prison, then deserts, then meets Gene Tierney, then leaves, then becomes a bandit, then goes on a trek, then gives himself up.

And it's annoying because the piece has so much potential. A gaucho worried about a changing world, a world of increasing automation and loss of his way of life - that's a great theme. But the way the material is presented here, the story is just dull - and there's no sense of catharsis at the ending. It's like writer-producer Philip Dunne got too caught up in doing location work he forgot to do the script.

The gaucho having a lifelong bond with a childhood friend who works for the railways - that's got heaps of potential. But not only is dull Hugh Beaumont cast, the character is flat. He just sort of pops up to help out Calhoun - and he does it so often it's like "are they in love"? Beaumont should have been Calhoun's actual brother - I thought he was until re-reading a synopsis.

The Tierney-Calhoun romance starts off interestingly - she's this high class girl who is saved by the gaucho. But she just ends up as this weak sap who hangs around the gaucho, wanting him to get married. She's got no spirit, no spine - the whole she's rich-he's-poor thing barely makes a mention. We needed to see more of her living high class - being with Beaumont, having him be rich too. Make it a real love triangle. There needed to be another female character too as a counterpoint to Tierney.

Richard Boone starts off promisingly as the army sergeant who gives Calhoun a hard time. Then he spends the rest of the movie chasing Calhoun around, like he's in love with him too. Why not just make Boone a villain? The film badly needs one

Things that sound exciting are minimised - like Calhoun becoming a bandit. Everett Sloane livens up a few scenes as a gaucho but there's too little of him.

It's a shame. You know a lot of this exotic Fox location adventure movies aren't very good - King of the Khyber Rifles, Lydia Bailey.

Movie review - "Barbarian Queen" (1985) ***

One for the gals. Roger Corman often did a twist on his old formulas by making it "one with girls in it" - so here Lana Clarkson and Katt Shea are two ladies who go about rescuing Clarkson's fiancee. That's right, the girls come to the rescue of the guys.

This gives it a lot of freshness and this is a fun movie. Clarkson in particular is good value - she didn't have that huge a role in Deathstalker (she was the permanently topless warrior queen) but here she's front and center. I felt quite melancholy watching her run around, give it her all, seemingly having a blast. This would be her best role, I guess. It's a shame she never, I don't know, wound up playing a cop on a nice long running series.

Of course there are the usual rapes and tortures - in one long not particularly pleasant sequence Clarkson is tortured on the rack. It clashes with the subplot involving a little kid.

Shea is fine - I wish she'd had more of a unique character to play, like telling one liners or be cowardly or lecherous or something. Just something distinctive.

The guy who plays the love interest is good. The production values are decent. This is hokey but fun.

Movie review - "Deathstalker" (1983) **

The first (I think) in a series of films Roger Corman made in Argentina, mostly sword and sorcery type things to cash in on Conan the Barbarian (he had made Sorceress but that was in Mexico).

It's cheap but not cheapy-cheap - it was shot on film, was clearly intended to be seen in theatres, and some scenes have quite a lot of extras such as the finale at the markets and in the stadium. Corman would go on to make a lot cheaper product.

These films had a rape-y vibe and there's plenty of rape in Deathstalker. There's also an unexciting lead in Rick Hill who has the body but a sort of odd face and isn't that much fun to be around. It doesn't help that he does things like save women from rape and then have sex with them or have sex with a woman who is asleep or have sex with a woman he's just met (not knowing she was converted into a woman by magic just recently).

The film did have a sense of adventure - the quest and all that - and it moved along; there was always something happening. But Deathstalker himself wasn't much fun to hang out with and there wasn't anyone else to hook into. Actually, that's not fair - the guy who plays his buddy (who turns treacherous) is pretty good. Lana Clarkson is in it as a female warrior who is constantly topless - I mean, she fights topless. I wish her character had stuck around more.

The effects, costumes, etc are hokey but not bad - part of the film's charm. The sword fighting and some of the action was pretty good. I just Deathstalker himself had been more likeable.

Movie review - "The Warrior and the Sorceress" (1984) **1/2

David Carradine adds some badly needed star power to Roger Corman's Argentinian-shot sword and sorcery opuses. He's got that relaxed charisma down pat as well as fight skills and is entirely believable as a soldier of fortune on a distant planet/wherever who walks into a town dominated by two feuding gangs. He plays them off against each other until he falls in love with a girl, Maria Socas.

It's Yojimbo once more. It's not bad - not amazing. But Yojimbo gives is a solid structure - like it forces it to be smarter.

I really wish the support cast had been better. There's some decent sword fights and dodgy direction. The dancer with four breasts made me laugh. There's a lot of breasts - they should have been better integrated.

It has a charm. I wish the handling had been more vigorous. There's a few rapes, as per usual - these things are not fun to watch.

Movie review – “Secret of the Incas” (1954) **

 One of those films you want to be better than it is – and it was probably fondly remembered by Spielberg and Lucas, who used elements of it in Indiana Jones. You’ve got Charlton Heston as a swaggering fortune hunter, wearing a leather jacket and fedora, hanging around in South America, who goes off to find some ancient treasure.

All the elements of an exciting action film are here – a beautiful mysterious woman (Nicole Maurey),a villain (Thomas Mitchell), a rival (Robert Young), exotic locations and locals.

But its slow and talky. It takes 40 minutes – 40! – for the trip to start. There’s far too much chat and not enough intrigue. Robert Young’s character is completely wasted – is he good? Is he bad?

The drama is flat. Heston wants the treasure.Then realises stealing treasure is bad – and hands it back. Dud 50s liberalism. I don't mind 50s liberalism if it's dramatised correctly like in Broken Arrow - where James Stewart fell in love with an Indian, say. But that's not here. It's focused on the whites and the locals swoop in to tut-tut. There's so many singing numbers from this Peruvian artist.

A genuine disappointment.

Movie review - "Deathstalker 2: Duel of the Titans" (1987) **1/2

I haven't seen the original Deathstalker though it's not too hard to guess what it was like. This is an energetic piece of low-budget sword and sandal-ry, shot in Argentina.

Someone called John Terlesky plays the title role - he was in Chopping Mall. He's not bad, with an amiable grin and muscular torso. He does looks more like a Karate Kid villain than a typical hero - a bit too cocky and smug, maybe? Very contemporary sort of guy - but he is amiable and he totally suits the film.

The storyline feels cobbled from all those Easterns Tony Curtis and Rock Hudson used to make in the 1950s and Maria Montez made in the 1940s. Deathstalker is strolling through the countryside when he meets a "seer" played by Monique Gabrielle, who is a lot of fun. She's trying to get her kingdom back from an evil twin.

The musical sting got on my nerves - they really use it a lot. I mean a lot. It was also irritating how all the women called Terlesky "stalker".

But it's a fun film - it jaunts along, there's always something happening, everyone seems to be having a good time. Wynorski throws in a bunch of stuff - girls mud wrestling at a bar, a comic midget, two hot women getting massaged, John LaZar from Beyond the Valley of the Dolls as the villain (very good he is too), Terleskey taking on a massive woman in a fight, a sword fight between LaZar and Terleskey at the end, some supporting women, Gabrielle in a double role (her sister has sex with Terleskey), a Pit and the Pendulum homage...

Gabriella and Terleskey are a likeable heroic duo, Toni Naples and Maria Socas are enjoyable in support. What can I say? I enjoyed it.

Movie review – “Holiday for Lovers” (1959) **

Three Coins in the Fountain launched a series of 20th Century Fox travelogue films – Cinemascope, romance, contract stars, romance. This is one of the dullest: Clifton Webb did play a few father roles during his career but seems bored and unconvincing as a father whose daughter (Jill St John, bad) goes off to South America. When she sends back some worrying postcards he takes the wife (Jane Wyman, wasted and looking even more bored) and daughter (Carole Lynley, even worse than St John) to investigate.

 

Some un-interesting adventures result – Lynley is pawed after by a bunch of American soldiers on a base and is pursed by a sergeant (tubby, uncharming Gary Crosby); St John seems to have having it off with an artist with a taste for nudes (oh those Latins! Paul Henreid plays the role), but is actually keen on the son. But it’s alright she comes to her senses and dumps the good looking South American but Lynley marries the nice American boy.

 

It is interesting to see glimpses of South America at the time (it looks very clean) – there are bullfights and dancing expeditions – but little charm or point.

Movie review – “Elite Squad 2: The Enemy Within” (2010) ***

The most popular Brazilian film in history or something like that – it obviously struck a chord with the locals, who presumably found it a release. Everyone is very hard core – the elite squad who blast away at anything that moves, the corrupt cops who blast away at everything that moves, the drug dealers who… you get the idea. Perhaps in response to allegations of fascism in the first movie, this one features a tough, very brave left wing character – an academic who’s married to the ex-wife of the head of elite force; also the villains are corrupt cops and politicians rather than drug dealers, and it’s resolved at the end through a commission rather than kicking arse (which I did feel a little let down by). Some very good action, impressive production values and decent acting. Very high body count and lots of cojones.