Joan Colins Top Ten

 Watched The Stud the other day so thought I’d do a Joan Collins top ten - films only! No TV

1) Revenge (1971)- Really good vigilante film about a family who’ve lost a daughter to murder. The person accused of it is let off and they kidnap him but... did he do it? Collins is good as always.

2) The Girl on the Red Velvet Swing (1956) -20th  Century Fox had Collins under contract as their version of Elizabeth Taylor. This was devised as a vehicle for Marilyn Monroe who wouldn’t do it so they put in Collins - a very good real life murder story and Collins is excellent. Probably her best movie at Fox (though Island in the Sun is entertaining I picked this over that one because she gets a lead.)

3) The Square Ring (1953) - Based on an all-male play about one night in a boxing stadium by Aussie Ralph Peterson - this added some female characters including Joan Collins. Her part isn’t good but she suited low rent criminal tales and the film is entertaining. (She had a similar small role in The Good Die Young)

4) Cosh Boy (1953) - Entertaining Lewis Gilbert melodrama about a juvenile delinquent with Collins lovely as his naive girlfriend.

5) Turn the Key Softly (1954) - A British crime film with female protagonists! This is a three-girl movie about women getting out of prison, an excellent idea, and Collins is very good as an ex call girl

6) Tales from the Crypt (1972) - Gloriously fun anthology horror movie from Amicus - I wish they’d still make them - with Collins having a high old time.

7) Up in the Cellar (1971) - Kind of a sequel to Three in the Attic (1968) directed by Ted Flicker who made The President’s Analyst. Collins and Larry Hagman are very funny, easily stealing the movie from the random lead.

8) The Stud (1978) - Terrific exploitation. Trashy melodrama story which says something about the class system giving it some depth, terrific disco soundtrack (10CC, Hot Chocolate), great casting, lots of sex. Reminded me of 70s Oz films like Petersen - director Quentin Masters was Australian. Joan Collins shows off her body a lot and has lots of sex. Oliver Tobias is handsome and can act- why didn’t he become a bigger name?  Lots of fun.

9) Empire of the Ants (1977) - You can’t call this a good movie but it’s impossible to dislike - Joan Collins as an evil property developer fighting Giant ants and their human allies (no kidding). Where’s the TV series based on this, come on, I’m not kidding.

10) The Big Sleep (1978) - Why did Joan Collins become a star in the 1980s? Because during the 1970s she was consistently the best thing about her not very good movies. Alfie Darling was one. This is another.

Movie review - "Jamboree" (1957) **

 One of those late 50s rock musicals where they shove a bunch of acts together and have a loose story to keep you watching. The story here is about a male and female singer who are put together by their squabbling managers - that isn't a bad story though not much is done with it.

This was made by "Vanguard" a company of Subotsky and Rosenberg who later formed Amicus.

Musical acts include Jerry Lee Lewis (singing 'Great Balls of Fire') and a very young Frankie Avalon. Paul Carr, the male juvenile, looks about 50.

The film includes as many DJs as artists. Historically invaluable.

Movie review - "It's Trad, Dad" (1962) ***

 For a few years there were a heap of British rock films which consisted of rock acts and some vague story. Don Sharp did one, so did Michael Winner. This was Richard Lester's effort. (There were American ones too some made by Amicus who did this).

There's some fun Lester touches like the opening sequence. I'd probably enjoy this more if I recognised the acts. There's bands I'd never heard of like The Temperance Seven. I've got to say though their songs, with this slightly absurdist staging and French subtitles, was fun.

It's actually an engaging film, full of energy. More enjoyable than  The Mouse in the Moon. The music acts come fast, there's kind of a story, it's imaginatively staged.

Movie review - "Danger Route" (1967) **1/2

Seth Holt directed this but no one was happy with it - not him or Amicus. I've got to say though I didn't mind it.

You can tell it was a tricky production - the movie doesn't have a cohesive feel. Characters come and go. It's like it needed to be in black and white and made five years previously or something. It seems unsure how violent to be, or how sexy, or how cynical. Dr No when it came out felt confident of its tone - this doesn't.

Still there are pleasures - the opening scene of the government agent whispering the job, the novelty of Richard Johnson as a hero. Carol Lynley isn't really at home in this sort of movie - the voice lets her down. Barbara Bouchet has the perect looks - she's a stunner - but not the voice. Maybe Bouchet and Lynley's part should have been combined. They should have had different hair.

Gordon Jackson is excellent as an agent; Maurice Denham isn't bad, Harry Andrew is reliably excellent as are Sylvia Syms and Sam Wanamaker.  The meet cute between Lynley and Johnson - where they pretend to know each other but actually do - predates the similar one in Butch Cassidy 

 Diana Dors is always fun to see - here she's an aging housekeeper, plump, nice, lonely and horny, with a husband in Australia looking "after sheep". Her scenes with Johnson do slightly feel like they're in a different movie to the rest. She would've been better than Lynley in her part but she would've been considered to be too old.

The action scenes aren't particularly well done. This is a movie that got away. But it was late 60s spy stuff with some great actors and twists - I went with it.

Movie review - "The Uncanny" (1977) **

I remember watching a trailer for this when I was a kid and it scared me - a cat screaming at the camera - but eventually catching the movie, it's not very spooky. Unless of course you're terrified of cats. They are the uniting feature of this horror anthology which was co produced by Milton Subotsky, who had a lot of success making such movies for Amicus.

This isn't an Amicus work but it shares many similarities: three stories plus a connecting one, all star cast, washed out 70s colour, a final story more comedic than others. Peter Cushing and Ray Milland are in the bridging segments, as a writer and publisher respectively.

The first story is the best, with Susan Penhalgion as a murderous maid being attacked by a bunch of cats. The second one has some bad acting Canadian kids squabble over a cat, with a seance thrown in for good measure. The third is set in old time Hollywood, with Donald Pleasance in a wig and Samantha Egger as actors. John Vernon is also in the cast.

This isn't very good - not that scary, or well made. It does have novelty factor as well as a strong cast.

Movie review - "The Mind of Mr Soames" (1970) **

In the late 60s Amicus made a bunch of non horror movies in an attempt to broaden their range but none of them particularly took - this was one of them, and its ironic since the material had the basis for a good horror flick: Terence Stamp is a 30 year old man who has lived in a coma his whole life and is revived.

This sort of material worked a charm in Charly and would later be effective in Awakenings - in both those cases they would have a love story subplot and the doctor was a major character. Here there is no love story (confusing since handsome Stamp is the lead) and the sympathetic doctor character (played by Robert Vaughan) doesn't have much of a character to play.

The basic story also works as horror in Frankenstein - for it's basically the Frankenstein story. They don't go down that route either, though they hint at it. Stamp gets out of his institution, gets in a fight, charms a woman, then winds up in a barn. The filmmakers can't even go in for ironic tragedy at the end - it's all built up for Soames to cop a bullet or someone else to die, but it doesn't happen. 

An opportunity missed.

Movie review - "The Monster Club" (1980) *1/2

Not an Amicus film but very much in their spirit and produced by Milton Subotsky who was one of the two creative powerhouses at Amicus. It's an anthology piece, only three items this time, plus a linking story - and padded out with some ridiculous rock/pop numbers. Seriously they have whole numbers there.

Any idea I had that Roy Ward Baker was a good director went out the window with this movie - he makes a complete hash of three excellent stories from Chetwynd-Hayes, who was understandably upset at the final result. There's no atmosphere, or scares - just lots of dumb jokes and bad make up. All the stories had potential to be scary, thrilling, surprising, all that - they were all ruined.

An excellent cast is wasted: Vincent Price as a vampire, John Carradine as Chetwynd Hayes, James Laurenson as a Shamrock (awful, laughable make up), Simon Ward as a conman trying to get Barbara Kellerman to swindle Laurenson,  Stuart Whitman as a film director looking for a location who runs into ghouls, Richard Johnson as a vampire married to Britt Ekland, Donald Pleasance as a vampire hunter, Anthony Steel (looking as handsome and stiff as every) as a film producer.

A real darn shame - they should film more of Chetwynd Hayes' stuff. Just not ruin it.

Movie review - "Rock Rock Rock" (1956) **1/2

The first movie made by the team of Rosenberg and Subotsky who later went on to form Amicus, best known for their work in the horror genre. This is a musical, though curiously it has one thing in common with some of Amicus' best known work, which were all-star anthologies: it's a collection of different musical performances by well known stars of the time, linked together by a loose narrative.

The narrative concerns the adventures of a young Tuesday Weld, trying to save money for a prom dress. She falls for a boy (Teddy Randazzo) and has to fight off a bitch. A lot of the dialogue is concerned with things like borrowing money and interest rates - I think Subotsky had money on the brain writing this.

This is chiefly of interest for the acts on display: Chuck Berry, the Moonglows, Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers, among others, plus Alan Freed doing the introducing, plus Connie Francis dubbing Tuesday's singing voice. They are all lively and the movie enjoyable; Tuesday is a solid center for this sort of thing.

Movie review - "The Beast Must Die" (1975) *1/2

Amicus' last horror movie is one of their most bizarre: Calvin Lockhart invites a bunch of friends to a country estate hoping to expose one of them as a werewolf. It's a real mixture of things - you've got the blaxploitation element, with Lockhart cast in a very British story (which does make for some interesting colour blind casting); there's a Ten Little Indians type plot, with a bunch of suspects gathered at a house, only the gimmick being one of them is werewolf; there's a real mix in the cast, which includes Peter Cushing and Michael Gambon.

To make the experience even odder the filmmakers throw in a "werewolf break" where you get to guess who the werewolf is, a quite effective emotional ending where someone bitten by the wolf kills themselves, some terrible fashions and awful music. It feels like a wacked out episode of an early 70s British TV show.

Not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination but at least different.

Movie review - "From Beyond the Grave" (1974) ***1/2

Some fresh talents revitalise Amicus' anthology series - director Kevin Connor working from stories by R. Chetwynd-Hayes. It was the last in their series (though Amicus producers would make others in that genre) and one of the best, with some excellent acting and production design, strong stories, and energetic direction.

It linking device is an antique store, which is suitably creepy, especially as run by Peter Cushing. The stories feel varied: David Warner buys an antique mirror and gets possessed; Ian Bannen passes himself off as a war veteran to Donald Pleasance and lives to regret it; Ian Carmichael gets possessed by a mysterious spirit coming from a snuff box; Ian Ogilvy and Lesley Ann Warren (so young so lovely) bring back the spirit of an ancient sorcerer.

The support cast bring a lot to it - Pleasance's daughter Angela plays his real daughter; Diana Dors is great fun as Bannen's nagging wife; Margaret Leighton (hammy as a clairvoyant) and Nyree Dawn Porter are on hand as well. I thought it was a bit harsh poor old Carmichael died while Ogilvy and Warren got to live by chopping up a door but that's life in the Amicus game.

Movie review - "They Came from Beyond Space" (1967) **

The book Amicus: The Studio that Dripped Blood describes this has one of the worst films made by the studio but it actually isn't that bad, with a perfectly serviceable plot: meteors fall in a field in Britain, scientists are sent to investigate and wind up having their souls taken over by aliens.

There is a major debit in the performance of Robert Hutton, playing a scientist who is protected from the aliens' influence by a steel plate in his head. Movie leads didn't come more bland than Hutton, and his monotone performance weighs this down - which is particularly harmful in the scenes with Zia Mohyeddin, who plays his girlfriend who gets possessed. It's also laughable how irresistible he's meant to be to women.

The low budget hurts, and its far too talky when there should be action, especially in the first half. And the second half is silly. But Freddie Francis' direction keeps things lively, Michael Gough is fun as an alien, and you'll enjoy if approached in the right spirit.

Movie review - "Madhouse" (1974) ***

Historically significant in its own small way as the last movie Vincent Price made for AIP - although this is really more of an Amicus movie (it was shot in England with Amicus producing and AIP providing the finance). It was not a success at the box office and helped end the second horror cycle.

Price plays a fading horror star whose career was hurt by a scandal and who comes to England to make a TV series. A woman turns up murdered and fingers point at him - then there are more murders, committed by the character Price plays.

This doesn't have much of a reputation but I quite enjoyed it. Vincent Price did seem to suit the 60s more than the 70s (something about the colour stock; that decade was more expressionistic, which suited his acting more) but he's always fun, and as an extra bonus he gets several scenes with Peter Cushing, as a fellow actor. Plus there's footage of old AIP Price films, such as The Pit and the Pendulum and The House of Usher - including cameos from dead Basil Rathbone and Boris Karloff - and Vincent warbling on the soundtrack.

There's also some grisly murders; Robert Quarry having fun as a sleazy producer; Hammer starlet Linda Haden as an opportunistic starlet turned victim (there's a scene where she tries to seduce Price in bed - was this the first such scene anyone played with Price?); Adrienne Corri is fantastic  as a crazy actress living in a house of spiders; Natasha Pyne likeable as a nice PR person (her death made me a bit sad - it wasn't necessary, surely?); Michael Parkinson appears as himself.

No classic, not by any means, and I may have been unduly influenced by sentiment and horror movie in jokes but I enjoyed it.

Movie review - "The Vault of Horror" (1973) ***1/2 (warning: spoilers)

Amicus once again raiding EC Comics for stories for their anthologies, although the movie this really has more in common with is Dr Terror's House of Horrors - it's got a group of men (no women) who are stuck together in an enclosed environment (in this case a basement of a building) who tell stories about dodgy things they've done and eventually realise they're all dead.

A lot of the stories have a similar sort of structure: our protagonist does something bad, then suffers for it with their life... but they are still entertaining. Daniel Massey kills sister Anna Massey (his real life sister) for her inheritance, unaware she lives in a town of vampires; Terry Thomas nags Glynis Johns about cleanliness to the point of insanity; Curt Jurgens steals a trick from an Indian magician; Michael Craig buries himself alive (in what really is a silly scam); artist Tom Baker gets revenge on people who've ripped him off.

There is some clunky plotting and writing, with plot points being awkwardly set up, but to be honest I didn't mind that much here. The cast give good performances - I did miss the presence of Peter Cushing or Christopher Lee (it felt odd to be watching a British horror film without at least one of them) but there are no weak links; Tom Baker, with his crazy eyes, is especially good. And Roy Ward Baker provides some suspense.

Movie review - "And Now the Screaming Starts" (1973) ** (warning: spoilers)

Amicus were supposed imitators of Hammer horror but only rarely made the full length period pieces that were similar to those turned out by their more famous rival; this was one of them and it's not very good, despite a strong cast. Stephanie Beacham marries rich Ian Ogilvy and moves to his large estate, only to discover Ogilvy's family are subject to a curse.

The curse turns out to have its origin in an old Hound of the Baskervilles-style scandal involving an evil ancestor who raped a woman, causing the woman's fiancee to curse the family. There is a lot of rape here... Beachman thinks she's been raped by a ghost, or a groundskeeper, she becomes pregnant.

Ogilvy and Beacham were born to appear in period costume, as was Peter Cushing, who plays a doctor trying to figure out if Beacham is insane or not; Patrick Magee and Herbert Lom (raping ancestor) have lively cameos.

But it's not much of a story and Roy Ward Baker's direction, as usual, doesn't bring much to the proceedings; this cries out for atmosphere, creeps and intensity and doesn't get any of it. The last third makes a great mistake in turning Beacham's character passive; the climax in particular is dull with Ogilvy running around emoting in a grave while Cushing watches on, bored.

Beacham is very beautiful at least - she shows some cleavage, can act, and does a hilarious scream. She was an effective horror queen and it's a shame she didn't make more in this genre than she did.  Ogilvy really doesn't have much of a character to play.

Maybe this would have worked better condensed down to be a segment of one of their anthology movies.

Movie review - "Asylum" (1972) ***

It took me watching several Amicus anthology films before it dawned on me they were the modern day versions of Grand Guignol shows.... several different short tales of horror under the one umbrella (the big difference being that Grand Guignol often interspersed its horror with comedy). The reason this one triggered that thought is the framing device is ripped off an old Grand Guignol play - Robert Powell is trying to get a job as a psychiatrist in a loony bin and is challenged to identify a doctor from one of several patients.

The stories here: Richard Todd murders his wife Sylvia Syms so he can run off with mistress Barbara Parkins; Peter Cushing gets a tailor to make a suit that brings people back from the dead; Charlotte Rampling is shoved into rehab by her brother and is visited by old troublesome friend Britt Ekland; Herbert Lom creatres crazy dolls. Also there's the question of whether Powell will make it out alive - what do you reckon?

The stories are decent and the cast is awesome, but I really wish Freddie Francis had directed instead of Roy Ward Baker - this could have used his flair. The running times of some of the stories feels too long (eg Cushing, Lom segments). Still, Rampling makes you wish she'd done more horror flicks, Ekland is good value, the doll is creepy and you can't really go wrong with several stories set in a lunatic asylum.

Movie review - "Tales from the Crypt" (1972) ***

The cast for Amicus' anthology movies continued to rise: this one features Ralph Richardson, Roy Dotrice, Joan Collins, Richard Greene and Ian Hendry as well as the usual suspect, Peter Cushing. It's based on the famous comic book and resulted in one of Amicus' most popular ever films.

The acting is of high quality, and it looks great, as movies directed by Freddie Francis usually did. It runs 90 minutes and features five stories plus a "bridging" story so some of the tales feel a bit thin. Still there are some decent shocks and gore (this is more bloody than others in this series, complete with still-beating hearts and intestines).

The stories: Joan Collins knocks off her husband only to be tormented by a maniac (this one was very brief); a man runs off with his mistress and winds up in a car crash;  some nasty money grubbers try to run nice little old Peter Cushing off his land; Barbara Murray gets the right to grant three wishes and makes a balls up of it (wishing her husband Richard Greene wasn't dead.... then turning him into this creature whichcan't die, which was a neat twist); blind people get revenge on an officious nursing home manager Nigel Patrick in an installment that takes too long to get going.

It's always fun to see Joan Collins play someone evil, Peter Cushing is touching as the little old man, and Patrick Magee once again provides some tasty ham in his performance. But the atmosphere isn't as strong as the better ones in this series. It could have done with some more menace and shock.

Movie review - "What Became of Jack and Jill?" (1972) *

Awful psycho thriller which ranks among the worst movies Amicus ever made. It's a about a young man who lives with his grandmother and schemes with his trashy girlfriend to knock off grandma. They eventually shock her into an early demise Les Diaboliques style, but can't enjoy the inheritance.

I can't recall a film  which hated young people so much - the two leads are mean and nasty and it's full of talk about youth wanting change and who will look after the old people. Now there's nothing wrong with making a film about fear of the young and being overlooked - it's a basic primeval emotion, which is a solid basis for any thriller - but the depiction of the younger generation here is so relentlessly simplistic and one eyed. Also the old lady is such a whiny old crone, constantly whimpering about her fear of the young and asking her grandson to get her cups of tea, that after a while you start to wish they'd knock her off.

As it, they take almost an hour to do it. The time before then is padded with chats about the youth in revolt, and what a drag the old lady is - no interesting plot twists, or atmosphere, or character, or anything worth watching. After they kill her the young people have some fantasies about spending the money but nothing much else happens then either apart from the fact the old lady has left behind one of those movie wills where someone can't inherit money if they marry someone else. This might be okay if that someone else became another character, but they don't... we're stuck with two dull leads.

Vanessa Howard, as the femme fetale, is at least pretty but not much of an actor. It's patronising, poorly made, dull and stupid.

Directed by Aussie Bill Bain.

Movie review - "I, Monster" (1971) **

Disappointing re-telling of the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde story from Amicus, despite the presence of Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee in the leads. It might have been better had they played those roles respectively - Cushing would have made a tremendous Jekyll and Lee a wonderful Hyde - but here the double role goes to Lee. And while I like Lee - who doesn't have a soft spot for Christopher Lee, with that magnificent height, voice and bearing - the fact is, he's a limited actor, and it annoyed me here. Cushing plays his friend, who thinks that the Hyde character is blackmailing Jekyll (although they use different names in this movie) not aware they're the same person.

The pacing is slow, there's a lack of atmosphere and suspense, and a weak support cast - the only other role of note is the one played by Mike Raven as a fellow gentleman friend of Cushing and Lee's; there's also a horny Victorian housewife (introduced as if she's going to be important, then throw away) and a cliched buxon barmaid.

There are far too many scenes of people sitting around drawing rooms talking and not nearly enough scary bits. Some solid work from the art department and costume people is wasted.

Movie review - "The House That Dripped Blood" (1971) ***

A sort of follow up to The Torture Garden, another Amicus anthology from the stories of Robert Bloch. The linking device to this one is an old haunted house where various wacky shenanigans take place: writer Denholm Elliot gets so into his latest novel he starts thinking one of the characters is alive; Peter Cushing visits a waxworks and is reminded of a lost love; Christopher Lee hires a nanny (Nyree Dawn Porter) who doesn't approve of his harsh treatment of his child; horror star Jon Pertwee finds himself with a real vampire's cloak.

The star value of these Amicus films were increasing steadily: in addition to Elliot, Cushing, Lee and Pertwee, there's also the voluptuous Ingrid Pitt on hand as Pertwee's co-star. It looks handsome and is well directed.

It's a shame the story material isn't that strong. The Elliot episode feels very familiar, and the Cushing one is dull (especially considering waxworks sounds as though it's going to be interesting). Also the linking device - involving a police inspector looking for a missing actor and a real estate agent - is poor, lacking actors with the gravitas of Peter Cushing or Burgess Meredith.

However the Lee segment, with the creepy child actor, is very good, and the Pertwee one a lot of fun - there's some amusing British horror industry in jokes (including Pertwee referring to Dracula - "the Bela Lugosi one not the one with the new chap".)

Peter Duffell directed this. Never heard of him. Did a good job.

Movie review - "The Torture Garden" (1967) *** (warning: spoilers)

After their success with the anthology Dr Terror's House of Horrors, Amicus had a few flops so went back to the well for this entry. It's four stories, plus a sort of epilogue: Michael Bryant (one of those British actors whose face feels vaguely familiar) is attacked by a demonic cat; Beverly Adams is as a starlet who realises that robots are everywhere; Barbara Ewing is tormented by a killer piano; rich Jack Palance meets Edgar Allan Poe die hard Peter Cushing. Linking them is Burgess Meredith as a sideshow carnival operator.

I have really been enjoying these Amicus movies - it looks handsome, is well directed by Freddie Field, with a decent script and strong acting. It does lack a little in star power; you will laugh at the killer piano if you're not in the right mood; the robot actors story would work better if the actors were better and more youthful looking (who cares if old Robert Hutton wants to hang on to his looks?); and the final one with Palance and Cushing was surprisingly dull. Also there's a really silly pointless epilogue with Michael Ripper killing Meredith and then it turning out to all be a trick. Sorry, that's just lame.

But Meredith's hamminess suits his part; it's fun to see Peter Cushing act with Jack Palance; Beverly Adams is pretty and has a decent role; ditto Barbara Ewing.