Augustus to Didus Julianus
1) Augustus – the First and Best One.
Bad
at war but his best friend was good at it, so it didn’t matter. Great at
politics. Not so good with family. Intelligent, tough, smart, actually looked
to the future. Still, Rome might have been better off had Brutus defeated him
(no one ever seems to bring this up). Not as colourful as other Emperors, and has
always felt overshadowed by Julius Caesar, Cleopatra and Marc Anthony.
Ability
***** Legend ****
2) Tiberius – the One into Kinky Sex on
Capri.
Sympathetic in a Richard Nixon way. He had his responsibilities and
marriages thrust upon him but did he have to turn into such a tyrant and sex
pervert? A great example for compulsory retiring ages and banning people from
being Emperor when they didn’t actually want to do the job in the first place.
Ability *** Legend ****
3) Caligula – the One Who Promoted his
Horse.
One of the great nutters of all time. Slept with his sister, promoted
his horse, murdered countless people, sexually omnivorous, plus a coward and moron to boot. It’s amazing
he lasted as long as he did. Great ad for not letting the insane, or teenagers,
do the job.
Ability * Legend *****
4) Claudius – the Underdog Made Good One.
The greatest underdog story of all time. You can stammer, dribble, be mocked,
look like an idiot… but outsmart them all. Okay yes you’ll get murdered but ten
years of absolute power ruling the greatest empire the world has ever known is
pretty good compensation. Killed a lot of Senators, something often overlooked
or ignored.
Ability **** Legend *****
5) Nero – the One Who Wanted to Be in a
Rock Band.
Like all the Emperors around this time, astonishingly human. Just a
bratty teenager really, spoilt as hell, given unlimited power. Stole his mate’s
girlfriend, argued with his mother (having her killed and being tormented about
it), bullied by his wife then killing her, picking on Christians, wanting to be
in a band, rigging gladiatorial contests, cowardly freaking out and killing
himself. Started off okay but only because he listened to competent advisers,
then it all went downhill. A walking advertisement against inherited fortunes.
Ability *1/2 Legend *****
6) Galba – the One with Everyone Thought
Would Be Good at Emperor Until he was Emperor.
Tough, incorruptible, gay, not
up to the job. A man promoted beyond his capabilities. Hunchbacked father. Not
particularly memorable despite featuring in The 12 Caesars and in the year of four
emperors and having a first rate collection of henchmen.
Ability ** Legend **1/2
7) Otho – the One Who Killed Himself to
Stop a Civil War.
I always picture him as this decadent aristocrat with an
ability to work hard but he didn’t like to use it. Kind of like a young George
Sanders, palling around with Nero in that man’s younger days and losing a wife
to him. Wore wig to hide baldness. Went out in true style, killing himself to avoid
a civil war, giving him a dignity and unexpected depth. Should be better known.
Ability ** Legend ***1/2
8) Vitellius – the Fat One
Just wanted to
pig out and have a good time. Jabba the Hutt of Roman Emperors.
Ability *1/2
Legend ****
9) Vespasian – the One Who Actually Got
Better
One of the least memorable Emperors because he was so efficient and
competent, but I actually really like him because you look at his life and he
seems like a guy who didn’t have an overwhelming desire to become Emperor, but
went after the job because he felt he was genuinely the best option. He was
right. Funny, wry, self-deprecating – although he was partial to bribes and
ignored his youngest son. Great last line - "dear me, I must be turning into a God".
Ability ***** Legend ***
10) Titus – the One Who Gave a Good Name to
Being the Emperor’s Son
A good emperor who carked it two years into his reign
but nonetheless seems to have done a decent job – a rare example of a
hereditary monarch who lived up to his father. His life has a pleasing ‘arc’ with
going from hard man soldier to nice guy emperor. Personal life gets points from
having a forbidden affair with a Jewish queen.
Ability **** Legend ***
11) Domitian – the One Who was so Paranoid
about being assassinated they assassinated him.
Also the One who tried to copy Augustus
Recipient of some of the worst
PR because of his bad relationship with the Senate, he was actually a pretty
good emperor, if a dictator. I felt for this guy – ignored for most of his
life, then all of a sudden ruler of the known world. (He was a little like
Tiberius in that respect.) Had interesting personal elements such as killing
flies and asking people what time it was because he thought he’d be killed at a
certain hour. Loses points for not going
in hard on Dacia and poor political skills.
Ability ***1/2 Legend ***1/2
12) Nerva – the One who Was Taken Hostage
A mediocrity who has the job thrust upon him because of his age, lack of an
heir and proximity. Undeservedly grouped as a good emperor but didn’t do too
much damage and did appoint Trajan.
Ability **1/2 Legend ***
13) Trajan – the Greatest One
Another
rival for the greatest emperor. Incredible ability. Personality doesn’t grab
you. He doesn’t seem to have had any except be really smart. (The History Augusta does say he was a pederast.)
Ability ***** Legend ***
14) Hadrian – the Openly Gay One.
A lot
more human than Trajan, with his obsession for travel, handsome young lover (who he tried turning into a God),
and killing Jewish rebels.
Ability ****1/2 Legend ****1/2
15) Antoninus Pius – the One Who Did
Nothing
The Emperor who didn’t seem to do much except reign in peace for a
long time and not piss anyone off. His achievements have been downgraded because
war with foreigners followed his demise, but to me that’s cheating. An
obviously very good, not violent Emperor.
Ability ***** Legend ***
16) Lucius Verus – the One Who Could Have
Been Awful but was Kept in Check
A natural born playboy who just wanted to
party and have a good time. If he’d run the Empire on his own he could have
been an all time tyrant. But he had to work in harness with Marcus Aurelius and
has a result was surprisingly effective, mainly because he delegated important
tasks to competent people.
Ability *** Legend ***
17)
Marcus Aurelius – the Philosophic One
Philosopher, stoic, all round good guy with idiotic son. Everyone seemed to
know from an early age he was destined to be great – destiny seemed to hold him
off long enough until he was ready. Had to deal with plague, Parthians, Germans
and rebellions… possibly saved the Empire. If he’d hung on another ten years
and conquered the Germans who knows what else would have happened?
Ability
***** Legend *****
18) Commodus – the Gladiator One
A
terrific character. Spoilt brat, keen to fight as a gladiator, fond of killing
cripples and dwarves. He started off as a standard tyrant (lots of games,
treason trials, killing senators) with the gladiator twist. Got more and more
crazy, thinking he was descended from Hercules and naming the country after
him. The beginning of the end for Rome.
Ability * Legend *****
19) Pertinax – the One Killed by his guards
for being too Honest
A highly competent soldier done in by his poor political
skills. Made a major mistake not appealing to the army and might have been a
decent Emperor if given the chance. The first emperor assassinated who didn’t
really deserve it. Must have sensed it, refusing to promote his family to higher honours.
Ability *** Legend ***
20) Didus Julianus – the One Who Bought the
Job at Auction
Apparently an alright guy who made the massive mistake of
buying the Emperor-ship at auction and not surprisingly wound up dead. This
fact stands out more than anything in his personality or anything he said or
did.
Ability ** Legend ***1/2
1 comment:
Steve, I only just discovered this - fantastic. I will be reading all parts
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